Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. ― José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ― Oscar Wilde
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. ― Mark Twain
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. ― Unknown
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. ― Emo Philips
I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist. ― Gena Showalter
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ― Groucho Marx
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
― Rodney Dangerfield
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ― Spike Milligan
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
― Rodney Dangerfield
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
― Lucille Ball
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ― Steven Wright
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